cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
