I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Randomize
