OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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