out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
