if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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