He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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