Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
