You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
