My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
