She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
