I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
