lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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