All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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