well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
