i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
