OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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