As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
