I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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