Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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