This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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