I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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