He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
