Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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