Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
