I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
