Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize