HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
