Cold hands, warm shart.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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