It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize