Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
