oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
