3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
