It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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