Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
