You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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