If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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