At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
