There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
