On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
