my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
