So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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