I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's always time for handjobs
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I am one with the molecules
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
