i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
