i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
