Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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