Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
