I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
