It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Soap is not a condiment
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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