So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
