What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
