I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
