he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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