is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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