Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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