Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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