Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
