there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My ATM looks so different sober.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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