Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
