I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
