it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
